WTF I hvnt blogged for so long I forgot my username

bf just flew off to ny

OMG I AM GOING NUTS I swear there is insanity within me even as I look uber calm on the outside. Idk what is wrong but STH definitely is. I wish my bf wld stop talking about this and that hot girl (ok this looks fucking lame since I’m actually super tolerent and ok with such things and I hate mad gfs just that maybe long term effect has kicked in and I feel insanity building within me.) and that alone is ok but SO MANY THINGS ARE WRONG I DONT EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN. and ‘WRONG’ is questionable to begin with because ‘WRONG’, I honestly once thought was perfectly alright. so maybe I’m just over reacting and I need some time off and it’s just getting too much to bear AND FURTHERMORE I AM GETTING INCREASING HOMOPHOBIC as particular 2 indivs push the idea of a ******** repeated OMFG ITS FUCKING DRIVING ME NUTS EXCEPT I DO IT BECAUSE I WANT U TO BE HAPPY. BUT MAYBE IM NOT HAPPY ANYMORE?!?!?!??????????????????? I JUST WANT TO DIE!!!!

and of course sash is right – it IS pressuring to work with the bf and the bf is right, there’s pressure from both sides, both to perform and in EVERY SINGLE ASPECT OF MY LIFE. I am getting just SLIGHTLY uncomfortable with the focus in my life right now there is just too much SHIT going on and too much scum around I truly need to get RID of in my life. PLUS I barely see my family; not that I need to see them often but it’s just maybe there isn’t even a teeny reasonable balance in my life right now

and so what if I hv power WHO THE FUCK CARES when everyone around me is a user (well everyone who wasnt already my friend in initial stages) and I dont trust a single person and nothing is real and i dont even hv trust in my rls with the person who is most impt to me anymore probably because I am just too skeptical of everything now

anw I feel sick and I want to sleep. whoever the fuck is reading this shut the fuck up and dont comment. if your email is linked to my blog (and I know for a fact there are such people out there) please UNLINK it. there are some thoughts I need to keep to myself (in fact this blog is strictly private) I just need to rant it out before I turn insane and do something drastic.

good night. I hope I can sleep; despite the fatigue.

giving thanks?

so the new year is here and I am feeling particularly like I need to give thanks for some things which have become really important in my recent life, namely my newfound circle of party friends. or maybe I should say aaghir because it seems like everything centres about him now. now that i meantion it, how strange! I think I actually used to view myself as like, a small planet (well not literally, figuratively, and subconsciously) and everything used to revolve around me myself and I. and come to think of it I think I am no longer that way because my ‘centre’ has ‘shifted’. WOW. ok big relevation to myself. ok so everything makes more sense now than before. sometimes i wonder why A (i am lazy to type. but this is wen’s name for him cos she dk how to pronounce. HAH. lmfao) is so impt to me. I’m not trying to deny this fact, I just wonder WHY. since this has never happened to me before. whY the sudden change. I mean, I wonder how he is so powerful to shift my focus away from myself. how he has such influence on me.

now I’m glad I decide to write this because I have been wondering this for so long, only I didnt know what exactly I was musing about, and it was disturbing me. this verbalisation doesnt answer my question , obviously. but well at least it makes my question more defined. I dont it’s something I should even bother to answer right now anyway.. I mean, how would knowing change anything.

now I am thinking I should change the start of my post. I would like to give thanks for aaghir! for teaching me many precious lessons I would NEVER have otherwise learnt, both verbally and practically, for throwing mind blowing views / opinions at me and making me use my brain to think. for making me see the big picture. it’s really not that difficult with the right guidance actually. and for making me a more open person and more open with who i am.

with all that being said, I am again wondering if I rly do love him or I am nursing an infatuation. or what else. I think I shouldnt think too much tho. (AND I AM BEING ATTACKED BY FUCKING MOSQUITOS!) I should just enjoy what I have right now and stop worrying! it annoys me what a worry wart I can get. sometimes I worry so much about something I just out worry myself and get over it.

ok more importantly, I am giving thanks for A’s affection and my wonderful friends who have been supporting me IN THIS DIFFICULT TIMES! trust me, it has been hard. adapting to a new karazaye party life style and all that shit. much thanks specifically to yun for being such an awesome party girlfriend (I am so sad you are going back to switz.) , sasha for reasoning w me when I revert back to my bratty self absorbed self!, CAM and WEILING for reminding me that school exists and that my main job is to be a student, for warning me to be careful with certain men, and (I saw this grudgingly) to my family for not kicking me out of the house, yet. thanks for grounding me tho, fucking screws up my life more.

alright I am actually going to catch some sleep now because my cough is starting to kill me. fml that school is starting, but I am going to remember that I have much to be thankful for

and my loyalty will always lie with A. please guide me and keep me from deviating without even realising it!

AMEN.

knn

my blog posts are all so immature and angsty and complainy. walaoeh. and because I cant talk about any work related thing and my life is all abt work now it’s sooo zzzzz

anw THIS IS A BUSY WEEK

i’ve been running here and there in between stardust and foc FINALE NIGHT WHOOWHEEE I’ve been meeting raym aaghir and random potential / existing clients. hah. oh yes sth to blog about, I HAVE BEEN GETTING SO SO FAT. HOLY ****. partying is no joke. drinking apparently makes one unable to burn calories (HEY DID ANYONE KNOW THAT?!?! how come I just found out :c ) so all that dancing has been for naught. OMG. anw knn my phone keeps getting spammed by texts and missed calls all day long. loll.

AND did I mention I just have no interesting in talking to young boys with no spending power and nothing intelligent to say. Lollll omfg Idk why I am so materialistic and superficial, but that’s me!

OH DID I MENTION I HAVE DISCOVERED AN AWESOME NEW PARTYING GIRLFRIEND YUN DD unfortunately she will be leaving me for switzerland (back to studying) soon, SOBSSSS. I am rly quite heartbroken. hahah. damn. and this week is boring, why? becos yun is at BALI. and sasha b’s parents are apparently annoyed at her for spending so many nights out so she cant party w me and GUESS WHO SHE IS SPENDING HER TIME W!? NONE OTHER THAN SHAUN SEAH. OMFG KNNBCCB. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

went to check out beer mkt for finale night w cam on tues night. wahaha drama drama. anw the place is pretty fine bt DK IF CAN HOLD EVERYONE! aaghir assures me that it is possible tho, and OMG shucks, I feel so uncertain bt I am gng to put my trust in him and take his word for it

on a separate completely unrelated note, it is O.O how 2 of my best gfs just lost their first kiss within a week of each other and both have something (or everything?) to do w me. OMFG. hahah I feel sort of, a teeny weeny bit guilty. bt hey EXPERIENCES are alwys good!

my phone is full of texts frm ‘zac zirca’, ‘bryan zouk’, ‘russel clarke quay’, ‘han attica’, ‘damien new asia’, ‘jack hunger’ ….. you get the drift. it’s omgwtf, half the time I am like, damn. who the fuck is this. (of course not those I mentioned above. since I mention them it’s becos I actl rmb who they are)

hmmmmmmmmmmm. that’s abt all I can blog abt for now. I NEED TO SHOWER AND DRY MY HAIR! and I am gng to try going out in heels. HAHAHA. after shoot w raym on mon I think it’s quite cool to wear heels. bt that’s cos I was ferried arnd everywhr. I am gng to throw a pair of slippers in my bag just in case. cosss meeting aaghir at 10pm and sth tells me I am gng to have to walk arnd malls ON MY OWN for a killer long time before he actually appears and I dont want to kill my feet. hate planning packing. now how shld I bring a set of clothes and all nonsense in my bag w me for dinner…

daddy is back frm shanghai tonight. HE IS NT GNG TO BE HAPPY TO SEE ME GONE AGAIN. for the umphteeneth time. omfgggg I didnt even know he left cos I was at aaghir’s and my bro’s like ‘oh dad left for shanghai’ on fb chat and im like omg knnccb. hahaha. sucks, my dad wants to disown me alr. he’s like ‘i’ll see her at the lawyer’s office’. OMFG

o.o

k shower time

you know you love meeeeeee

xoxo

so it’s just a matter of time

IDK WHY BT I FEEL LIKE I LIKE AAGHIR SOOO MUCH OMGOMGOMG

I need some sort of venting avenue

anw i hv been soo busy these days at parties and events and socialising AND i’ve been going out with aaghir’s bunch

that reminds me, IT IS SO .. FRUSTRATING, how people can’t be trusted. and how ppl are so two faced. and they look so sweet and nice and all when they talk to you but then turn arnd and bitch sigh.

anw. jealous is retarded and needs to be ERADICATED from my system !! becos it makes me lose all sense of rational thinking.

thats all i feel like blogging abt. some mozzie is feeding on my blood, WTF

xoxoxo

S

EXAMS OVER!!

awesome fawesome, my finals are over. i only wish i dont do like fuck, ie fail. oh please oh pleaseeee dont let me fail :C

anw been out having fun these few days ahaha OMG so tiring!!

and I hv extreme mood swings. dont know whats wrong with me

I hv concluded that nothing makes me act more stupid that jealousy. lol……………………… :S anw, thank God I have the sense to maintain some social grace. lol. THANKS, ettiquette lessons and family upbringing! super glad I’m able to maintain some sort of poise even under a wtf mood. hehe

anwwwwww short updates abt the past week. been meeting aaghir and raym. now that raym is overseas it feels weird i hv no one I’d like to lunch with. LOL. biased much. A is alws suuuper busy. bt w him it’s nver boring.

TUESDAY my virgin party was fun and unfortunately I got tipsy frm stupid jagerbombs cos claire and friend (freshma/??) were karazy company hahaha. i dont like the feeling of my head spinning more vigorously that i would like. more unfortunately many people later asked me if I got home safe blahblah cos I was ‘wasted/stoned’ etc. something tells me I look more stoned than I actually am. boo

lunch with CLASSMATESSSSS on thurs hehehehe at ewf!!!!! anw , I am scared of fries now HAHA. i barely touched it cos the pasta was soooo filling and the milkshake was MORE filling and super yummy so I cldnt stop drinking it

went for Hunger soft lounge @ Chijmes w A ytd, plus joyjoy subaish jacklyn and manu. whoaaa dayat is like amazing, it’s his 4th restaurant idk why that entire circle is so entrepreunial, makes me feel so ZI BEI CAN!!!! im a biz student and I dnt think i’ll be adventurous enough to gamble w my money and set up a business! :c how sad is that, ugh.

speaking of lounge, went fabrika w T and L on thurs night and met this cute dude who’s the manager. hahaha his name is sean. he has many FWBs apparently. -.- thn went up for tiger lounge party for some new flavour tiger crystal or sth. hahaha soo it was pretty chill. oh and met this new dude who runs a country club at bukit timah. AND I MET LOTSA HOT GIRLS, but after that I went to A’s place (after M bar) and showed him the pics and he said ‘did u ask for their numbers?’ and im like no why? and he said i shld hv asked thm and invited thm to the party and im like, ZOMG. why did i nv think of that. haha. fuckkkk i need a smarter brain. !

anw. gng Hunger later again w manish, thn PARTAYEEEE WITH NUS PEOPLE, HAHAHAHAHAA. so much for the no partying w nus ppl rule. FUCK THAT. zz. anw V shld be fun. I am going to refrain frm hooking up w random dudes. :O hope it’ll be fun

for now, i am gng to tidy my room WHICH LOOKS LIKE FUCK soooo messy I cant stand it. speaking of messy A is super messy. I spent half and hour cleaning his office table on thurs. loll ME the spoilt brat u know! sometimes affection does strange things to you

xoxo

ciao

busy busy sunday!

gosh tday was super packeddd w activities. woke up (in the mornin feeling like Pdiddy) at 1130 cos was forceddd awake to go out. wolfed dwn breakfast in 5mins and changed and left at 1145ish w parents only cos bro had to go out w friends. in the car, discovered that we were goin to watch bruce lee the movie – o.m.g. the last time i watched a movie and previewed bruce lee, I said, oh my gosh, no no, I am so never watching that. ended up watching it frm 2 to 420 OMG IT WAS DAMN LONG. and in chinese, so fail, I was tryin to discuss happenings w mom bt i refered to all the names in english and she kept saying there were no such people. (cos i read subs)

anw thn went to visit grandma for HOURSSS thn went expo whr i nearly died frm exasperation and noise and crowd. urghhhhhhh hate such things. anw, got my NEW LAPTOP WHICH I AM USING NOW (((: THIS IS MY FIRST POST ON MY NEW LAPTOP HAHAHAA

turns out it’s the same as wennnn’s ! hehehehe vaio S series. teehee. bt diff model. BOTH WHITE THO, we hv same tastes hehehehe.

ANW, after buying laptop, went to check the ‘free items’ shiz cos we got it during some .. hourly promo. thn I looked up frm my huge bag of freebies and saw this GODCUTE GUY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA. LIKE SRSLY CUTE. anw, I hvnt seen any guys I find cute in a LONG LONG FUCKING LONG WHILE. and it has to be becos of that, I kept smiling to myself like some retard. and that dude kept smiling too and it was hahahah fucking lame!!!!!!! ANW the funny thing is we flirted at each othr (ha ha this is like .. how many years ago activity man. FINALLY, SOMETHING REAL, AND NOT.. PARTY INDUCED. THANK GOD !?) and thn I said are you 21, and he said Im 22, so I said, I’m throwing a party at new asia bar this tuesday. come. and he said ‘maybe you can write down your number’ HAHA so I did, on a frigging pamphlet and he said, I’ll text you. or sth. hahhah, OMG!!! this feels like primary school. ok i exaggerate. this feels too.. innocent and different frm party life and pseudoness I am getting far too used to for my own good. :c

gah ok I hv to go iron my HUMUNGOUS BASKET OF CLOTHES, FML. MY MOTHER THINKS I AM TOO SPOILT AND WANTS ME TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF NOW. WTF. MY ROOM IS IN A MESS! >:|

CIAO

GOD IS WATCHING WHAT YOU DO, EVEN WHEN NO ONE ELSE IS!

:O somehow that makes me feel :O :X :S :/ :C

anw. life is so nuts lately.haha goshhhh. I feel so.. conflicted and angsty and unstable inside all the time now. it is definitely not good to be too involved with a guy! for me at least ! cos I will think too much. and it’s annoying shit. and my thinking gets distorted and I cant think straight. :c

anw I throwing my first party heheheehehehehee. LOL. feel so bimbotic. hahahaa

talking to aaghir now. OMG, he makes me feel damn rocky ! LOL. Idk how to describe it. like I cant tell if he’s into me or not, and sometims he just sounds damn SIAN ttm, thn the nxt moment he says sth sweet. zz. hahahaha. gah Idk what’s it w me and unstable guys.

anw life is just omg. and POOR WEN BABY DARLING IS SICK !!! damn, sucks to be sick and alone !!!!!!!! my mom (AND BAO, HAHA) always tells me that!!! to imagine being alone and sick w no one to take care of me. lol. hahaha b has the makings of a mother alr. lmao. anw MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE GIVING ME THIS SHIT ABT BEING OLD AND LONELY W NO ONE TO CARE FOR ME COS I SAY I DONT WANT TO GET MARRIED. OMG. BT I RLY DONT WANT TO GET MARRIED.

enough w the ranting. aaghir is coming to get me in a bit and my rm’s in a mess and I HVNT STARTED STUDYING ANY ECONS. rly quite die. ok im going to clear my rm :/

ciao

argh

i dont want to be a rebound girl! wtf :c

CBF

hahahaa, I think CBF is a funny phrase! lolol. according to harith it’s the most commonly used phrase in aus HAHA CUTE!!!!!!! LOL. I shall use it whn i get there. HAHA. right. omgggg it’s going to be 2wks of no partying and all family. :O wonder if I’ll survive! confirm get into argument w someone. :/

anw now OMFG when I typed cfm (short form of confirm) I alws link to COME FUCK ME then I’ll deleted it and type confirm in full HAHA stupid aaghir! wtf. AND the craziest thing is I typed cfm to raym, cos I was typing alot and was lazy to type in full, and he went, cfm?? come fuck me?? :O is it like some commonly used phrase or what!!!

anw. I am insanely bored, and my head hurts. :S hahaa goodness harith is full of crap srsly! what nonsense.

oh yes point of post

fuck paper #2: landscapes (fuckttmlandscapes)

OVER AND OUT!

whoopiedoooooo!!

 sigh I am deathly bored now. did I mention I hate it when I decide to like a guy for a tad, cos he’s shown sufficient interest in me to impress me. AND THEN HE BECOMES UNSTABLE. ie i cant tell if he rly likes me or what. wtf, rly damn annoying!! and alws happens, cos I dnt like the guys who are rly nice and into me, lol, sorry nice guys, but youre not my type, friends we shall stay; bt yeah, it is. so. frigging. annoying! and that is why I only like a select few guys. well if u ask me nw i cant even say who ive rly liked. haha. damn. :c people like me are dfinitely not destined to ‘settle down’ and shit. and I’m deathly scared of pain and I dont like kids. so. :/

OH I SAW RACHEL (LEE) IN SCHL TODAY! after paper. well she spotted me.! hehee. ok I am so hungry now zz. shall look at biz anal for a bit so I can tan and slack in peace till 11pm tmr whn I will chiong again. dont know what is it w me and last last LAASTTT min chionging. wtf!

oh yes one more thing. i hate it when i FINALLY DECIDE TO SAY I LOVE YOU, (which i actually dont fully mean, when I say ilu i mean i love certain aspects of you, bt mostly I like you, bt i like u sounds too.. lame, for lack of better word, so I say I love you. but I rly dont know anything abt love AND I hvnt had the chance to experience it. prob a good thing cos.. I AM SURE LOVE HURTS

and sigh. ytd wen said :

i would be very disappointed if my dad goes out to play like that

thank god he doesnt

haha fuckkk I feel damn……. ARGHHED!!!!

hm. it feels kind of sad that we’ve all grown up.

anw. I wana see wen soon. I am so lonely here. haha. fml!

ok BA time :/

xoxo

nice lunches

hv i mentioned that I went to The Line w raym last thurs. nice! then today went to paragon and had lunched at some jap restaurant warrennn recommended and it was nice (and super filling) then shopped for a bit to digesttt and had canele hehe YUMMY!

raym’s daughter v cute

anddd my mom is SO. INSANE. it’s fucking killing me! gah she is srsly against me and whatever i’m doing now. super not open. :/ I need to change my middle name to LONELY. because I am fucking lonely. nobody talks to me. zz. ok correction. I cant seem to find anyone to tell my issues to. gah. loneliness is sad.

I shall try taking people to NAB next tues. (: testing!

pia landscapes now. xoxo